Stuck in the Suck

Hey folks. I know it's been some time since I've written anything on my blog. I suppose cancer has become a bit monotonous, and writing about it doesn't seem to be as crucial. I almost dread it. How many times can I write about the pain, the throwing up, chemo, feeding tubes, trips to the hospital, not being able to eat, x-rays, blood-tests, etc. without boring and depressing both me and my readers?
I thought if I could personify my cancer as this witty jerk, I'd be able to gain some sort of control, and construct some sort of narrative, make it kind of funny, and maybe make some sense of all this. However, there is one basic fact you simply can't get around. Cancer sucks!

All the needles, and radiation, and IV poles, and the hospital gowns, and the pain patches and the pills, so many pills. It all sucks. And it continues to suck. I'm not sure I want to both live through the suck and write about it too. Sometimes, I feel like writing about a magical far-away land with wondrous creatures, but I can't. I'm just too stuck in the suck. I can't stop the pain. I can't stop the pump that I hook myself up to 12 hours every night. I can't stop thinking about my pet scan that's been held up for three weeks due to insurance stuff. This is something I can't talk or write my way out of.  

Something out of the ordinary: For a few weeks, I was able to eat. Not very much. And there was a lot of throwing up. But my appetite came back some, and I started experimenting with different sorts of foods. I couldn't eat too much or I'd throw up. And sometimes I'd just throw up because...

But I was eating food -- sushi and donuts and chicken and chips and noodles and bacon and bread. The first sign I was able to get down anything at all was a Coke Slurpee I nearly finished without even realizing. Then came some experimentation with solid food. Ice pops and cheese doodle puffs go down the easiest. As I tried new things I became a little more confident. I ate foods I hadn't tasted in years. I started to feel a little better, a little more human again. I even gained a little weight. I grew out of my "cancer jeans", and back into my own clothes. So what if I puked once in a while. I was eating. Very small amounts, mind you, but after so many years without, I was not complaining.

Then, came a few more rounds of chemo, and gradually my abdomen started to hurt more and more. I started having diarrhea and throwing up more often. Eating became more difficult. It got worse and eventually led to several hospital visits, tests, x-rays, antibiotics... And like that, my ability to eat was gone. I've gone back to nibbling on a few items that don't hurt too much, but it's not the same. Cancer sucks!